The New Vigilante

Things never get better in Gotham despite Batman's efforts; it's time for someone new

Commissioner Gordon felt a presence in the room. Before he could turn to look, a playing card landed on his desk. On the card was the image of a clown face laughing at him.

“I found this at the chemical factory,” said a gravelly voice. Gordon turned to see the figure of Batman standing in the shadows. “We’re dealing with the Joker.”

“It’s our worst fear,” sighed Gordon. “We have to stop him now before we’re dealing with another huge death toll.”

“I have a plan,” Batman said. “I’m going to get in my Batwing and—”

“Don’t bother,” Gordon interrupted, shaking his head. “We got someone else on this.”

“But it’s the Joker,” Barman objected. “I’ve dealt with him—”

“Yeah, countless times,” Gordon said. “You’ve dealt with the Joker again and again and again. We’ve decided to go a different direction this time.”

“Who do you have on this?”

“A different vigilante,” Gordon said. “Someone with very different methods.”

“I don’t like this,” Batman growled.

“And we don’t like dealing with the Joker over and over again,” Gordon stated. “And maybe the problem there is us letting you handle it. That’s why we’re going a different direction.” Gordon turned to his desk to pick up the playing card. “Hopefully, it’s the last time we’ll see one of these. Time to take the Joker out of the deck, so to speak. And furthermore—” But when Gordon turned back to look at Batman... he was still there. “Why are you still here?”

“So who is this new guy?” Batman asked, sounding a little desperate.

“Don’t worry about it; go punch some muggers or something.”

Slowly, Batman walked to the open window and leaped out into the night.

“Never closes the window; leaves my office drafty,” Gordon muttered to himself as he sat down to do some more paperwork.

---

The Joker laughed manically. “Soon, I’ll add my Joker venom to Gotham’s water supply — that will put a smile on everyone’s face!”

“What about the Batman?” asked the Joker’s goon, Chuckles.

The Joker frowned. “He’s always trying to ruin my fun.” The Joker smiled again. “But he was spotted on the wrong side of the city at a completely different abandoned amusement park than the one we’re in. He’ll never stop me in time.”

They heard a clatter in the darkness of the broken hall of mirrors they were hiding in. “I’ll check it out,” said Chuckles. But he barely took a step before something spinning and green collided with his head, knocking him cold to the ground. The spinning green thing slid to Joker’s feet and stopped. It was a turtle shell.

“Who did this?”

Out of the darkness stepped a mustached figure of red and blue, a bold M on his cap. “It’s-a me, Mario!”

“Who?” Joker uttered, but Mario leaped into the air with a cry of, “Woo-hoo!” and landed on Joker feet-first, jumping a few more times with a springy sound as his boot collided over and over with the Joker’s body, each time with a sickening crunch.

“Brutality!” Joker cried. “Someone help!”

“It is a rather cold way to deal with someone,” said Mr. Freeze as he stepped into the room. “But I am colder.”

The battered Joker laughed manically. “Didn’t know I had friends, did you?”

“Fireball!” yelled Mario, as he unleashed a ball of fire from his fingertips which collided with Mr. Freeze.

“Ahh! Fire! The weakness to my cold-based powers!” yelled the flaming Mr. Freeze as he collapsed.

“Perhaps we can make a deal,” Joker said feebly. “Let me get my card.” Joker began to reach for his trick playing cards, but Mario grabbed Joker by the tail of his purple jacket and began spinning around in a circle. After getting enough momentum, he let go of Joker with a cry of, “So long, King Joker!”

“What? Did you just call me gay?” the Joker asked as he flew through the air and collided with a brick wall.

---

“Good work, Mario,” Commissioner Gordon told Mario as they met in Gordon’s office. “You broke nearly every bone in the Joker’s body; he’ll never walk right again, nevertheless menace this city.”

Mario jumped up and punched a ceiling tile. He frowned after he landed back on the ground. “No coin.”

“His methods are too brutal!” growled Batman, who had appeared near the window.

“We were tired of your kid’s gloves approach to criminals,” Gordon responded. “It was time to unleash someone who would actually do what needs to be done to protect this city. You’re not needed anymore, Batman.”

“I’m not leaving Gotham to this psychopath,” Batman said. He walked right up to Mario, towering over the squat Italian. “You put even one toe out of line, you’re mine.”

“I like pasta!” Mario exclaimed with a smile.

“You’re just jealous because he’s actually effective,” Gordon said. “Thanks to Mario, we’ll soon rid Gotham of crime once and for all.”

“No you won’t,” growled Batman. “When you get more brutal, the criminals will adapt; things will get even worse.”

“Whatever; both of you get out of here. Mario, you go take on the Scarecrow. Batman, go brood somewhere out of the way.”

“Woo-hoo!” Mario yelled as he sped out the door, arms held out his side. Batman gave Gordon one last stare and jumped out the window.

Gordon sat down at his desk to look at the new crime statistics that had just been emailed to him. “Hmm. Turtle attacks are up 700%. I wonder what that’s about.”