The Shocking Goals of Project 2025

You won’t believe number seven! (Or maybe you will; I’m not your boss)

Project 2025 — it’s a thing, apparently. In fact, it’s a sweeping set of far-right goals set to be implemented under a second Trump administration made by the Heritage Foundation. They messed up, though, and only told the left about it, because that’s the only people I’ve heard talk about it. Lately, it’s all like…

“Hey, did you see how Biden was stammering and lost his train of thought while…”

“Project 2025! Project 2025! We have to stop it!”

Project 2025 is so radical, the left has raised Trump’s threat level to “Hitler times 3.” But what exactly is Project 2025. Well, I got the Heritage Foundation to tell me all about it (even though I’m not a left-winger), and it is quite radical. Here’s what’s in it:

The Radical Objectives of Project 2025

• There will be a harsh tax on being poor.

• All dogs will be classified as boys and cats as girls.

• It will be added to the Constitution that a hot dog is a sandwich.

• To conform more with Trump, Caucasians will no longer be known as “white people” but instead as “orange people.”

• Children will be given nunchucks at school.

• We will declare war on Canada but not tell them and just kind of stare at them angrily but not tell them why.

• All sporting events will distribute vuvuzelas.

• A corporate sponsor will get to rename Wisconsin.

• The LGBTQ acronym will be replaced with the word “gay.”

• More and even angrier pit bulls.

• Women will no longer get to vote in elections but in exchange will get two votes in American Idol.

• California will be walled off and declared a bizohazard.

• Elon Musk will be contracted to begin building a Death Star.

• Juggling will be made illegal.

• Taco Tuesdays will be outlawed for being too ethnic.

• People over 80 will get a senior discount even though that’s not very old.

• Everyone gets a coupon for 50% off an AR-15.

• Pride Month will be replaced with the 80s themed Greed Month.

• Tax cuts.

I dunno. Maybe everyone was freaking out over nothing; this all just seems standard Republican Party platform stuff.