The Two Big Problems with a National Divorce

Two big issues won't be easy to solve

A national divorce — it seems like a great solution. We’re tired of dealing with places like California and New York, so just cut them out. Anytime you have a problem with people, exile them, and then you’re left with people you’ll get along with and have no problems. Easy-peasy.

Let’s not start splitting up the states just yet, though, as I realized there are two big problems with this great national divorce idea.

First Problem: Who Gets the Nukes?

Now, at first, a national divorce seems easy to do. You just give every state a choice: Do you want to join the freedom-loving real Americans or the weirdo, race-obsessed perverts? But there is more to it than that, as the U.S. of A. has a few assets that must be divvied up. One that will probably cause a few arguments is who will get the nukes.

The argument will probably be like this: The right will say to the left, “You would never even use them, so they’re no use to you. Just give them to us.”

And the left will be like, “The reason we don’t want you to have them is because you might use them! And we do have plans for them: To threaten our own citizens from owning AR-15s.”

So instead of arguing, here’s a solution: Give me the nukes. I’m very responsible (ask anyone), and I’d only use them if I really, absolutely had to.

And I wouldn’t use them to hold the world hostage. That is a crazy idea. Where did you get that idea?

So, anyway, giving me the nukes is a great solution to this first problem.

Second Problem: Who Gets the Debt?

So, while the U.S. has some assets that could cause arguments in a national divorce, it also has some — how do you say? — opposite of assets. Namely, the national debt of nearly $32 trillion and climbing. So who is going to inherit the debt in the divorce?

The right will be like, “That’s not our debt; we don’t even like helping poor people. That was all your idea!”

And the left will say, “We’re all the rich cities; the reason we have debt is that you guys didn’t make enough money doing whatever it is you do in fly-over country!”

So instead of arguing, I have another solution: Why don’t you give all the debt to my neighbor Greg?

Greg is a jerk. Just the other day, he was criticizing my lawn and saying I was irresponsible with it. Yeah, maybe I don’t take great care of it, but I’m really busy with all the important TV shows I’m writing for and this Substack. But Greg won’t be so stuck up if he has all the national debt. So, then, who’s the responsible one now, Greg? The one who doesn’t have $32 trillion in debt, that’s who!

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So, yeah, there are two big problems with a national divorce, but I just solved them, so let’s get divorcing! The blue half can have Greg.

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