Elon Musk is thinking of building a city on the moon. I don’t know if Elon looked into the moon, but it’s not actually an easy place to build.
As you may know, I am one the leading experts in moonology and know all about the moon. Thus I’d though I’d share my wisdom about what’s needed to build on the room.
Tips for Building on the Moon
Bring air. A lot of people don’t know this, but there is actually no air on the moon. You’re probably wondering how the moon men get air, but they don’t. That’s why all the moon men are dead and the moon is barren. Some suggest we could get air from the water on the moon, but that’s nonsense because air is a gas and water is a liquid — two completely different things.
Bring food. Early science said the moon was made of green cheese, but this was never corroborated by later science as no giant space cow was found that could make that amount of cheese. In fact, later exploration found nothing to eat there at all, so make sure to bring some food from Earth — the only currently known planet where food exists.
Don’t bring rocks. You may be thinking, “I should bring some rocks in case I need to throw them at noisy kids on the moon,” but there are in fact lots of rocks already there so bringing any would just be unnecessary weight better used for that air and food I already mentioned you do need to bring.
Study Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, people fly around while doing kung fu. It ends up, even if you’re really good at kung fu, you can’t actually do that because of Earth’s gravity, and the effect was all done with wires to trick gullible audiences. But on the moon, there is little gravity so you can fly around while doing kung fu for real, so make sure to study that movie for how to do flying kung fu as you’re going to be in a bunch of fights over the limited amount of air and food since you didn’t listen to me and brought a bunch of rocks instead of more of that.
Be careful procrastinating. Often when I have something small to do, I’ll be like, “Eh. I’ll do it tomorrow,” and then play video games. But a day on the moon is like a month long, so if you put off doing the dishes until tomorrow, you could go a whole month of eating over the sink.
Load up on silver bullets. Basic science says that if you land on the moon, that counts as being exposed to the full moon all the time. So if someone has lycanthropy1, he will instantly turn into a werewolf when on the moon. So you need silver bullets to shoot all the werewolves that could emerge when you land on the moon. I guess you could also have a better screening process to make sure no one on your crew has lycanthropy, but that might be considered “discriminatory” and against the law. Just have the silver bullets.
Nuclear shielding. It is possible that while on the moon, someone may nuke it.2 So, it’s just a good idea to make sure your buildings there can shield you from nuclear blasts and radiation. So when loading up building supplies from Home Depot before heading to the moon, find a guy in an orange frock and ask him if the stuff you got will survive a nuclear blast. If not, have him show you the aisle where that is.
Maybe come up with a name. It’s kind of weird how the moon still doesn’t have like a proper sort of name you capitalize and everything. It’s like having a dog around you just call “the dog.” If we’re going to live there, it should have an actual name. I’m not sure what’s a good name, though. Rocky?
Fancy medical term for werewolf disease.
I’m going to get to it one of these days.
Lowe's has the exclusive contract for selling nuclear proof building materials.
Well now I know why we stopped going to the Moon. Frank J. Fleming was born and shortly thereafter he figured out everything there was to know about it.