Tips for a Successful Riot

Riot the right way

Everyone loves a good riot, but how do you riot? It seems so complicated. Well, I’ll break it down for you so you too can enjoy a good riot.

Tips for a Successful Riot

Location. Make sure to pick a good location for your rioting so it will be noticed. Usually, that means a dense urban area. When you riot there, people can’t help but notice. Bad choices are out in an empty field or deep in a forest. You may think you had a great, successful riot with all your friends, knocking over trees and rocks in a forest and kicking around squirrels, but then you’ll find out the next day no one noticed.

Smashing. Smashing is one of the most basic yet important parts of a riot. But what to smash? It’s good to make a list of things that are fun and easy to smash. Windows are a classic one. But stay away from stuff that is hard to smash, like diamonds and adamantium. But just because something is easy to smash, doesn’t mean it’s a great idea to smash. For instance, empty cardboard boxes are easy to smash, but that doesn’t mean you should smash them in a riot. The next day, someone may be like, “Thanks for handling all those boxes for me.” If people are thanking you, you’re rioting wrong.

Looting. Looting is like a fun bonus of rioting. Okay, so you’re out there smashing windows, but what’s behind those windows? Stuff! Now, you could smash that stuff — and that’s perfectly fine in a riot — or you could take that stuff, and now you have stuff! It’s like a tip you get for doing a good job rioting. “Great job destroying all those businesses; here’s a TV.”

Noise. An important aspect of a good riot is it should be noisy. If you’re riot isn’t noisy, people may not notice it. They’ll just wake up the next day and see all the destruction and just assume a tornado hit. What’s the point of a riot if you don’t get credit? So you need to be noisy. Yelling is the main way to make noise. “RARR! I’M RIOTING!” you should yell as loudly as possible. Also, make sure to break things that make a lot of noise like glass, cars, and people.

Fire. Fire is the rioter’s best friend. Fire is very destructive and also grabs lots of attention. Plus, people tend to riot at night when it’s very dark, and fire provides light so you can see what you’re smashing. But how do you start fires? No one knows. I think you have to rub two sticks together very fast, so make sure to bring some sticks with you. In the least, you can hit people and things with the sticks.

Political Messaging. Of course, a big part of a riot is the political message it conveys, such as anger. People may not know what you’re angry at, though. You could wave signs explaining things, but that’s cumbersome when you’re trying to smash stuff. Instead, stick to slogans. But since rioters tend not to be super brain geniuses, keep them simple. “Me no like bad thing!” Stuff like that. Or you can just focus on the destruction and leave it to other people to figure out what you actually want.

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There — that’s all my rioting tips. Have a fun and successful riot!