Tips on Conducting Foreign Diplomacy

How to be successful when dealing with foreign leaders

A big job of the president is conducting foreign diplomacy, but it’s also a place where many falter. Dealing with the needs and wants of other countries can get complicated, and if you’re not careful, you can let those countries walk all over you.

So here are some tips for successful foreign diplomacy.

Tips on Conducting Foreign Diplomacy

• Don’t let them use their monkey gibber. Other countries claim they have these other “languages” they speak in that sound like absolute nonsense. Since America invented the best language ever — English — it is an insult to our country to insist on speaking their weird jibber and that should not be allowed.

• Act like you’ve never heard of their country. “Belgium… is that like in South America?” Don’t let these weird little countries get inflated egos thinking we bothered to learn anything about them.

• Never meet in another country. All diplomacy should be done in America. Everyone should come here, and it’s ridiculous for the American president to travel to some lesser country we barely know exists. Let other countries know we feel that even setting foot on their unimportant soil is an insult to us.

• Speak softly while carrying a big stick. A good philosophy from Teddy Roosevelt. You get a really large stick — maybe have staff saw off a limb of one of those cherry trees — and you just hold it while talking really softly. The other country will want to yell, “Speak up!” because they can’t hear you, but then they’ll see the big stick and have second thoughts and instead just nod along to everything you say, even though they don’t know what it is.

• Speak loudly while hitting them with a big stick. If the soft mumbling isn’t working, you can then just start hitting them with the stick. You can go ahead and speak up now, as you’ll have to be heard over the yells of, “Stop hitting me with a stick!”