Tips on Having a Trad Wife

Get the old-fashioned wife you deserve

Men these days are always talking about having a traditional wife — known to the kids as a “trad wife” — one who takes a more traditional view of her wifely duties and isn’t some blue-haired feminist screeching about the patriarchy. No, she should love the patriarchy and you as the patriarch. But how do you get a trad wife in this crazy day and age with its Tik Toks and Taylor Swift songs? Well, luckily, I have some tips for you whether you already have a wife and want her to be more trad or are a lonely incel and just want to fantasize.

Tips on Having a Trad Wife

• Have her stay at home. If you want your wife to consider you her boss, she can’t have another boss she’s answering to. That’s why your wife can’t have a job and needs to stay home so she answers your demands.

• She should wear a head covering. Just when she’s out. And I’m not talking like a full hijab, but just like a little bit of scarf tied over her part of her head. It shows modesty and deference to you.

• She should cook dinner. You work all day — or whatever all day — and it’s your wife’s job to ensure you’re well-fed. Dinner should be on the table on time, not a minute later.

• Oh. She burnt the dinner. Maybe she’s not a great cook. I don’t know how to teach her to cook better, either. I don’t even know how to turn on the stove.

• Try some light criticism. Just some little critiques of her cooking; maybe she’ll figure it out and how to get better at it.

• Oh no! She’s chasing me with a rolling pin! Okay, maybe I was a little too sarcastic in the criticism, but this is definitely not showing deference to me as a patriarch! At least she remembered to put on a head scarf before chasing you out of the house.

• Run to the safety of the pub. Yeah, that’s where I’ll go. My one solace in this world that gives me a few minutes of peace from my battle axe wife.

• Wait a second! I’m Andy Capp! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m now a shiftless loser hiding in a pub in Hartlepool, England. This wasn’t what I wanted at all when I tried to get a trad wife! And do people even get this reference anymore?

  

• Oh no! She’s dragging me back home by my scarf. I don’t feel like a patriarch at all right now. This went really wrong, and I’m not sure where. If I was going to have to end up in an old comic strip, why couldn’t I at least be the viking guy?

• This is hell! These strips — they never end! This one has been going for almost seventy years, and it’s still going. Even though all print papers are dying, these strips will go on forever! I will spend all eternity trying to hide from my wife in a pub. Do not make my mistake! Do not become Andy Capp!

And that’s how you get a trad wife.