Tips on Having a Trad Wife
Get the old-fashioned wife you deserve
Men these days are always talking about having a traditional wife — known to the kids as a “trad wife” — one who takes a more traditional view of her wifely duties and isn’t some blue-haired feminist screeching about the patriarchy. No, she should love the patriarchy and you as the patriarch. But how do you get a trad wife in this crazy day and age with its Tik Toks and Taylor Swift songs? Well, luckily, I have some tips for you whether you already have a wife and want her to be more trad or are a lonely incel and just want to fantasize.
Tips on Having a Trad Wife
Have her stay at home. If you want your wife to consider you her boss, she can’t have another boss she’s answering to. That’s why your wife can’t have a job and needs to stay home so she answers your demands.
She should wear a head covering. Just when she’s out. And I’m not talking like a full hijab, but just like a little bit of scarf tied over her part of her head. It shows modesty and deference to you.
She should cook dinner. You work all day — or whatever all day — and it’s your wife’s job to ensure you’re well-fed. Dinner should be on the table on time, not a minute later.
Oh. She burnt the dinner. Maybe she’s not a great cook. I don’t know how to teach her to cook better, either. I don’t even know how to turn on the stove.
Try some light criticism. Just some little critiques of her cooking; maybe she’ll figure it out and how to get better at it.
Oh no! She’s chasing me with a rolling pin! Okay, maybe I was a little too sarcastic in the criticism, but this is definitely not showing deference to me as a patriarch! At least she remembered to put on a head scarf before chasing you out of the house.
Run to the safety of the pub. Yeah, that’s where I’ll go. My one solace in this world that gives me a few minutes of peace from my battle axe wife.
Wait a second! I’m Andy Capp! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m now a shiftless loser hiding in a pub in Hartlepool, England. This wasn’t what I wanted at all when I tried to get a trad wife! And do people even get this reference anymore?
Oh no! She’s dragging me back home by my scarf. I don’t feel like a patriarch at all right now. This went really wrong, and I’m not sure where. If I was going to have to end up in an old comic strip, why couldn’t I at least be the viking guy?
This is hell! These strips — they never end! This one has been going for almost seventy years, and it’s still going. Even though all print papers are dying, these strips will go on forever! I will spend all eternity trying to hide from my wife in a pub. Do not make my mistake! Do not become Andy Capp!
And that’s how you get a trad wife.
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