Ways to Cut Government Waste
How can DOGE succeed in reducing costs and increasing efficiency?
Elon Musk is starting the new DOGE government agency to help make our government more efficient and cut waste, but what exactly can be done about the big mess that is our federal government? It seems like an impossible task, but I have a few suggestions on what to do to make our government better and cheaper.
Ways to Cut Government Waste
Stronger chain on pens at the DMV. We can’t keep replacing pens.
Train law enforcement in using katanas to save on ammo.
Send out a survey to government employees about what they do, and include an optional space to declare your pronouns. Then fire everyone who fills in that space; we can safely assume none of them do anything useful.
Steve in Health and Human services asks for a new box of paperclips every week. There is no way he’s using that many paperclips. Look into that.
Stop caring about poor people. That’s a lot of spending, but I’m not sure what we get from all those poor people. Rich people seem like a much better investment.
Think: How many national parks can you name? Yellowstone. Grand Canyon. Yosemite. Maybe if you’re a nerd you can name like five. Know how many there are? Sixty-three! How in the world do we need that many? Who is going to Congaree? What even is that? Let’s sell some of these national parks to corporations to be mined for sulfur.
What do you mean you can’t find Steve? Keep looking!
New rule: Have to finish any previous wars before starting a new one. We don’t have the budget for all these half-finished wars everywhere.
Do we have to have humans in all the government jobs? I bet a lot of them can be done my monkeys… and you don’t have to pay monkeys. You just have to hit them with a stick when they slack off.
Can also try hitting human bureaucrats with a stick.
There’s Steve! He’s getting away in a truck filled with all our paperclips! Stop him!
The military is always going, “Hey, we need you to buy use more nukes; we lost our previous ones and can’t find them.” No! Look harder!
Research Wolverine healing-factor to reduce health care costs.
Buildings cost money; why not just use tents? Put the IRS in tents. In Florida. During hurricane season.
Dang it; Steve crossed the border into Mexico. He had hundreds of dollars in paperclips. We failed. We failed DOGE.
Well, there you go. What are your ideas to cut government waste?
We could always get rid of the judicial branch. Buncha know-it-alls. I'll decide the cases-- for free!
We should have used the monkeys to hit Steve with sticks.