What Happens If Trump Goes to Prison?

What to expect with something so unprecedented

Trump is a former President and the current Republican presidential nominee, but he’s just been convicted of multiple felonies. What happens if, as a presidential candidate, he is sentenced to prison? That would be unprecedented, but since the Constitution doesn’t bar a convicted felon from office, his campaign would still go on in these highly unusual circumstances.

So, looking at current regulations, here is most likely what would happen if Trump is sentenced to prison.

• He’ll be processed and booked. They’ll take a photo of him, fingerprint him, and write down his personal information (his name is “Trump”).

• His personal items will be confiscated. That means he’ll lose his money clip (full of money), his cufflinks (very nice ones), and the switchblade he always keeps on him “just in case.” Trump will then be given an orange jumpsuit.

• The Secret Service will still guard him. In no rule book does it state that conviction and imprisonment ends Secret Service protection, so they will continue to watch him. This most likely will be done by having them escort Trump through the prison and have them take turns standing guard outside his cell.

• He will get free time in the prison yard. There won’t be that much he can do with it, though, as the Secret Service will keep everyone away from him. He’s probably going to get bored.

• He will find the largest guy in the prison yard and pick a fight. Yeah, Trump got so bored he went to the biggest guy in prison — Murdering Carl (who is in prison for murder) — and punched him right in the face. And Murdering Carl is just standing there, taking it because he sees those Secret Service (and they have guns).

• He’ll visit the library. Yeah, the Secret Service doesn’t want him picking any more fights, so off to the library for quiet time. Trump is disappointed, though, because there’s only books in the library; there aren’t VHS tapes you can “rent” like the library had when I was a kid. He’s bored again! He’s going to find the biggest book in the library and pick a fight with it!

• He has a visitor. Oh, maybe this will keep him from being bored. I wonder who it could be. It could be anyone! Everyone loves Trump!

• The visitor is Joe Biden. Why does he have that evil smile? He’s telling Trump that he never did steal the 2020 election, but what he was accused of doing sounds like a great plan so he’s going to do it for the 2024 election! And he’s laughing at Trump because Trump is stuck in prison and can’t do anything about it! Oh no!

• He has to do a prison break. There’s no other way to save the country. But the Secret Service are always watching him, and they warned him that prison breaks are dangerous. He’ll have to be careful so they don’t see his planning.

• First thing, get a map of the prison on your back. A tattoo isn’t an option, but Trump has a Sharpie. Now, he just needs to draw the map on his back. Except it’s really hard to draw on your own back. Plus, he doesn’t actually know the layout of the prison. Okay, all he did was make a mess of lines on his back; he’ll definitely need to keep wearing a shirt. Plus, who really needs a map anyway? Just go enough one direction, you’re out of the prison.