What Is the Real Purpose of Decaf Coffee?

I attempt to get to the bottom of the conspiracy to convince us that decaf coffee is widely popular

Decaf coffee is everywhere, so it must be very popular. There is a decaf variety for every coffee you can buy in a tin at the supermarket. If there are two giant silver beverage dispensers at breakfast, one will be decaf. And if your hotel gives you little packets of coffee, half will be decaf for all those people who just absolutely need a decaf coffee in the morning. Obviously, there must be just as many people who drink decaf coffee as regular coffee for it to be made just as readily available.

There’s just one problem: I’ve never in my life seen or even heard of anyone drinking decaf coffee.

And when you think of it, drinking decaf coffee makes no logical sense. I mean, you drink coffee to get caffeine which gives you the superpower of wakefulness. If, for some reason, you don’t want caffeine, you get no caffeine by just not drinking anything. You don’t need decaf coffee for that.

It’s like they made a version of the super soldier serum that made Steve Rogers into Captain America, but they took the super soldier part out of it so all you get is the flavor. Decaf coffee makes no sense. Of course, no one drinks it.

Then why is it absolutely everywhere? Why is there this conspiracy to convince us that decaf coffee is widely consumed and nearly as popular as regular coffee and that just none of us happen to know these numerous decaf coffee drinkers who are definitely out there?

It’s scary when you think about it, just knowing the scope of this conspiracy. Every convenience store worker has to be kept quiet about how they never need to refill the decaf coffee dispenser. Every maid at a hotel must be instructed to tell no one that they’ve never once found an opened and used packet of decaf coffee. This conspiracy is massive and must take billions of dollars to maintain. But why?

German coffee merchant Ludwig Roselius invented the first commercial decaffeination process in 1903. It is unknown why he sought to remove the essential part of coffee, but my guess is it was to be a secret weapon of war. If another country attacked Germany, they would secretly replace their enemy’s coffee with decaf, demobilizing any opposition.

That is not what happened, though. Instead, decaf coffee was turned into a commercially available product. Coffee that had this extra, expensive process to render it completely pointless began appearing in stores worldwide. I have yet to discover how stores were cajoled into carrying this thing no one would buy. And Ludwig Roselius died in Nazi Germany in 1943. I could not find out how he died, but I can only assume it was to cover up whatever the Nazis were planning with decaf coffee.

But the Nazis are gone, and yet the decaf coffee persists. So who is running the conspiracy now? I can only assume that the Soviets, invading Berlin in 1945, found the evidence of the decaf coffee conspiracy and adopted it as their own, keeping it running. And that conspiracy is now in the hands of Russia and the KGB remnants.

But what is the conspiracy? I think that’s pretty obvious. Every decaf coffee container is, in fact, a listening device. Think of it; it’s perfect. We’ve been conditioned to accept the fact that decaf coffee is everywhere, so we’re no longer suspicious of it. But also, none of us ever has a reason to open a decaf coffee container to find out that it has a listening device instead of being filled with pointless coffee. So those listening devices sit at every gas station, every brunch, every hotel room, and even in some people’s homes of those who bought decaf coffee in case they one day have a visitor who wants decaf (though no such person exists).

What should we do? We should tread lightly. Obviously, this is the most vast and powerful conspiracy ever to exist. My little Substack and I aren’t going to be able to take it down. I’m just warning you to be wary. You can’t let them know you’re on to them. So continue to ignore decaf as you always have. Just watch what you say around it. And be prepared. Because whoever is listening is plotting something far worse than coffee with the caffeine removed.

Though it’s hard to imagine such a thing.