Who's On First Updated
Revisiting a classic
This is an experiment. I wanted to see if the sketch “Who’s on First” could be improved by making Who nonbinary and thus increasing the confusion. I’m not sure how this could go; we’ll find out.
I realized this is kind of similar to a The Babylon Bee cartoon “Coaches Struggle with Using Pronouns,” but this is a bit different as it’s simply an experiment in modifying the original sketch. It isn’t even necessarily supposed to be funny; this is just for data purposes.
Let’s begin the experiment:
Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!
Abbott: Well it should be.
Costello: Hey, Abbott…
Abbott: What?
Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.
Abbott: Why not?
Costello: So, you the manager?
Abbott: I'm the manager!
Costello: Well, you know, I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team, so when I meet 'em on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say, "Hello" to those people.
Abbott: Why, sure, I'll introduce you to the boys. They give 'em funny names, though.
Costello: Oh, I know they give those ball players awful funny names.
Abbott: Also, a number of them are nonbinary. Do you know what that is?
Costello: The opposite of binary?
Abbott: You got it.
Costello: Not really.
Abbott: Just make sure to use the right pronouns.
Costello: I was never good in English class. I should probably stick to amateur-nouns.
Abbott: Very funny… but seriously. Do not use the wrong pronouns.
Costello: Sure… as soon as I figure out what a pronoun is. So what are the players’ names?
Abbott: Well, let's see, on the team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third…
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys' names?
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: Then tell me the guys' names.
Abbott: I say, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: You the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys' names?
Abbott: I'm telling you their names!
Costello: Well, who's on first?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin' first base
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Let me just stop you a second. They don’t like to be called a guy.
Costello: Who doesn’t like to be called a guy?
Abbott: Right. They don’t care for it.
Costello: Who’s they?
Abbott: Exactly. You got it.
Costello: I don’t got nothing! Let’s try again: What's the guy's name on first?
Abbott: No, What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second!
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: That's what I'm askin' you! Who's on first?
Abbott: Now, wait a minute. Don't…don't change the players.
Costello: I'm not changin' nobody! I asked you a simple question. What's the guys' name on first base?
Abbott: What's the guy's name on second base.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second!
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: That’s third base.
Costello: *getting frustrated* Okay, let’s say I’m the catcher. The hitter bunts the ball, so I pick it up, and wanting to get him out at first base, I throw it to who?
Abbott: And they’ll catch it. They’re great.
Costello: Wait, I know the rules. You can’t have two people at first base.
Abbott: We don’t. We have Who.
Costello: That’s what I asking you!
Abbott: And that’s what I’m telling you.
Costello: Let’s try again. So, I scoop up the ball, and I throw it to who?
Abbott: And they’ll tag the base.
Costello: They? Who’s they?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Huh. So, I throw to the Naturally Brothers crowding first base.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: He better get it!
Abbott: Whoa. What did you just say there?
Costello: He better get it.
Abbott: That’s really offensive.
Costello: What’s offensive?
Abbott: No. What’s an ally.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: Why are you bringing the third baseman into your bigotry?
Costello: Who’s a bigot?
Abbott: Now you’re blaming the victim!
Costello: All I said is he better get it!
Abbott: And that’s very offensive to the first baseman!
Costello: But who is he?
Abbott: You’re doubling down! Security! I want this hatemonger escorted off the premises for all his offensives.
*two security guards grab Costello*
Costello: What offended who?
Abbott: I already told you: What would never do that. What is an ally.
Costello: Do you security guards have guns? Can you just shoot me?
Abbott: What did you just say?
Costello: Just shoot me!
Abbott: Oh, that’s our shortstop!
There. Now we have data.
That actually works pretty well. Aaaaaaaaaand I've gained a new catchphrase "I only use amateur-nouns!" You go Costello!
"What's an ally" got me good. That was funny.