A Frank Guide to Iran
All the stuff I know about Iran offhand without googling
Wow, Iran sure is in the news with their super lame strike against Israel that everyone got warned about days ahead of time (why did they tell all of us on Twitter it was coming; what were we supposed to do?). It’s probably helpful to know about Iran in case more happens, so here is everything I know about Iran offhand without googling.
It’s in the Middle East. If you’re looking for Iran, that’s where you’re going to find it. See an Acropolis? You’re in the Near East, and need to keep going. See a pagoda? You went too far and are in the Far East. The Middle East — and Iran — are somewhere in between.
It’s related to Iraq somehow. I don’t know exactly how, but they’re bordering each other and have names that differ by only one letter. Something is going on there.
People in Iran aren’t Arab. They’re “Persian.” What’s the difference? No idea. I mean, if you’re a Persian actor in Hollywood, you’ll probably get cast as an Arab most of the time. I guess that’s like if you’re Korean, they might have you play someone who is Japanese. The difference between Korean and Japanese is a big deal over there, but here, we don’t really care.
Their spiritual leader is the Ayatollah. You can spot him because he’s wearing a black turbany thing and always looks angry. That’s because it’s a very angry religion. They’re angry at the Jews, angry at Christians, and angry at other Muslims (there are two main schisms in Islam — Sunni and Shia — and the Ayatollah is one of those). Someone needs to look that guy in the eyes and say, “Calm down.” BTW, I realized that if the Apple corporation had a spiritual leader, a good name for him would be the “iAtollah.” Use that as you will.
There was a hostage crisis. They captured Americans in like the very, very early 80s when Carter was still president (this marks the turn of Iran from sorta okay to craphole). And the hostage crisis was a big mess and just another thing making Carter look impotent, though Ben Affleck got some of the hostages out to Canada. And then all the hostages were released when Reagan became President because you don’t mess with that guy.
Iran’s main export is not oil… I think. I don’t remember hearing about Iranian oil fields. Then again, they seem to have some money, and I really have no idea how anyone (other than Israel) makes money in the Middle East other than with oil. Oh yeah, I think they have poppy fields or something.
Iran has nuclear weapons. Again, I think. I mean, I know they’ve been trying to make them, and I think maybe they have. They probably don’t have ICBMs to hit like the U.S. or something. Then again, they’re right next to Israel — maybe even share a border. I’m not sure. Geography is by far my worst subject.
Most countries in the Middle East don’t care for Iran. They’re kind of jerks and don’t have a lot of friends. There are maybe some groypers in the U.S. cheering them on, but most other people in the Middle East just see them as messing things up. A lot of people in the Middle East would actually like to be rich like Israel, but they can’t do that with having lots of dumb wars for no reason. But Iran is determined to do nothing but make stupid conflicts that accomplish nothing.
Well, that’s all I know about Iran offhand. I hope passing my knowledge on to you was informative. If you know anything else about Iran, put it in the comments. No fair googling.
The hostage crisis lasted a recurring number of days. 111, 222, 333, 444, something like that.
Wasn’t there a song in the 1950s or 1960s that had something to do with bombing Iran? Like the chorus repeatedly said to do so. Although I don’t know why we would’ve wanted to do that back then, since they weren’t bad guys yet. I think.