BREAKING: Trump Wins the Presidency

I’ll tell you exactly how Trump won

Donald J. Trump wearing the special presidency hat that only the president gets to wear.

I don’t know if some of you rely on Frank Talk for all your news, but if do, then let me tell you this breaking news: Donald J. Trump has been elected for a second, non-consecutive term!

I guess I probably should have told you big breaking news like that yesterday, but I tend to do posts on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am a creature of habit.

Now is the big question: Why did the election turn out this way? Kamala was super qualified and impressive and had a melodious laugh, so why did people vote for Trump over her when he tried to January 6th everyone?

I’ll tell you why.

Oh, this would be a good spot for a paywall, but I decided to make this a free post since I already charged everyone to read my guide on punching a monkey. Well, pretend you just spent a lot of money to read the following answer.

Here’s how Trump won: We stole the election.

Yep, as I can reveal now since Trump will be president again and can pardon me, I was part of an elite task force to counteract the Democrats’ election stealing efforts and then steal the election ourselves.

As you may have noticed, the Democrats have gotten millions fewer votes than in 2020. So where did all those votes go? Well, I’ll tell you: They’re in a dumpster behind Chili’s.

Where all the votes are.

That’s right: We had a sophisticated operation to go district to district and find Democratic votes and then dispose of them in a dumpster behind Chili’s because who is going to look for votes there? It’s a place to look for half-eaten ribs, but no one would expect to find millions of votes.

And the best thing about this vote steal: It’s impossible to prove. Because there are a lot of Chili’s, and people have no idea which one is the one with the dumpster that we dumped all the votes in.

But what about the Democrats’ vote-stealing operation? Well, I helped handle that, too. I pretended to be a Democrat (I put on a fake mustache and said, “Boy, I sure love abortions more than anything!”) and then helped drive their trucks full of fraudulent votes. But instead of driving them to the vote counters, I also drove them to Chili’s and put them in the dumpster.

Now, even if people find the Chili’s dumpster I threw all the votes in, they’ll never be able to sort out the real votes from the fraudulent votes. They’ll just have to throw them all out. Again, there is no flaw to this plan.

So, there you go. It was one successfully stolen election.

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