How the Dems Can Find a White Man They Can Pass as Normal

The Dems have trouble finding any guy who isn't a weirdo, but I can help

The Democrats are desperate to find a normal white man to run as a candidate. They think he will mean an easy election victory for them. But so far, they’ve struck out. They tried to act like Tim Walz was a normal midwesterner, but he was pretty fruity. Then they got Graham Platner in Maine, but he’s got a Nazi tattoo for some reason. And now they have James Talarico in Texas and they were like, “Oh, he’s a Christian,” but he’s the weirdest of the bunch going on about how Jesus is trans or something.

It’s like if there are normal white men out there, they’re not in the Democratic party. Still, I have a solution.

Frank’s 7 Step Plan for Democrats to Get a Normal White Man as a Nominee

1. Find a hobo who has been living under a bridge.

   

   You’re probably going, “Why a hobo living under a bridge?” Well, one of the biggest problems Dems have is that anyone they want to portray as normal probably wrote on social media during peak woke something like, “I love Latinx trans kids because they’re not white!” So you need someone who wasn’t on social media if you want to get away with saying someone is normal. So, the best solution: a hobo living under a bridge. Sure, he constantly yells obscenities at random passersby, but that’s not online, so it’s like it never happened.

2. Shave the hobo and put him in a suit.

   

   Still, you need the hobo to appear normal, but that just means clean him up and put him in a suit and don’t have him carry around his bindle anymore (assure him you’re look after it). See, he already looks like a normal candidate you’d like to have a beer with (just don’t let anyone get that close to him).

3. Teach him to be quiet and wave.

   

   Now that the cameras are on him, you don’t want him yelling all that craziness and shouting random obscenities, as it will get recorded and people will know he’s not normal. Thus, you simply have to teach him to be quiet and wave. Train him by saying if he’s nice and quiet and just waves, he gets a big bowl of hobo stew.

4. Make a list of policies to attach to him.

   

   Now here’s the fun part: You make a big list of all your dumb policy ideas and just attach it to him, this normal-seeming guy who just smiles and waves. Hopefully, everyone just focuses on how normal he looks and don’t worry much about the policies he comes with.

5. Oh no. He’s heard about your tax plan and thinks it’s bad.

   

   He’s shouting obscenities again, but now they seem more focused and at you! He thinks your taxes could ruin the economy, and it’s upset him because a bad economy means lower quality trash in the dumpsters for making hobo stew. Just tell him to calm down and that you know what you’re doing. As a nuclear option, you could threaten to burn his bindle if he doesn’t do as you say.

6. He’s attacking the DNC headquarters with a hobo army!

   

   Okay. Threatening his bindle went too far. He’s recruited all his hobo friends to come and storm the DNC headquarters and get his bindle back. Better lock yourselves in the supply closet and hope he doesn’t burn the whole place down.

7. Oh wow. He won!

   

   It turns out that the way he took charge and led an army to attack the DNC really resonated with voters. If you want him to vote the party line, though, I’d just stick to offering him hobo stew and stay away from his bindle.