Inflation FAQ
Frank explains inflation by answering all your frequent questions
Inflation has been in the news a lot lately because of all the inflating. Inflation is a strange and scary concept, though, so I will explain everything about it in an easily-digestible FAQ format.
Frequently Asked Questions About Inflation (Plus the Answers to Those Questions)
Q. What is inflation?
A. Inflation is when our currency loses spending power over time.
Q. That sounds more like deflating — like our money is getting smaller.
A. Oh. You’re right. Too bad you weren’t around when we named inflation.
Q. When was inflation first discovered?
A. It was discovered in 1838 by Bob Inflation.
Q. How is inflation spelled?
A. It is best not to say. Inflation is never spelled correctly as it is said that inflation can detect wherever its name is written and grow in power. That’s why it is always misspelled with a “tion” to make the “shun” sound even though that makes no sense.
Q. Can you eat inflation?
A. No, though leading economists agree that if you could eat inflation, it would taste salty.
Q. When was the first known instance of inflation?
A. That would be the pufferfish, which scientists believe evolved 40 million years ago.
Q. No, I mean like with money.
A. Oh, inflation with money mainly started in the 18th century with the adoption of fiat currency.
Q. What’s fiat currency? It sounds scary.
A. It’s not. It’s simply a currency that’s basically a fiction. It’s backed by absolutely nothing but good feelings.
Q. It doesn’t sound like that should work.
A. Well, it does. It’s a bit like when Wile E. Coyote walks off a cliff but doesn’t fall until he looks down, and we’re all just agreeing not to look down.
Q. That’s really concerning to think about.
A. But you’re not supposed to think about it. Stop that!
Q. What causes inflation?
A. The majority of economists agree that inflation is caused by some sort of gypsy curse placed on our money to cause it to lose value. Some note, though, that a majority of economists are very bigoted against gypsies.
Q. Who noted this? Doesn’t that sound like the words of lying gypsies?
A. That’s what I was thinking.
Q. What can you do about inflation?
A. You can put your money in inflation-proof investments, like gold. Or you can shove all your money in a special sack covered in runes that protect your money from gypsy curses and bury it somewhere in the woods.
Q. How will I remember where I buried it?
A. Make a treasure map to its location, but make sure it’s cryptic so not just anyone will be able to read it.
Q. I don’t know how to make a cryptic treasure map.
A. Back in my day, people buried their valuables in the woods and made cryptic maps to them all the time. I guess kids don’t know how to do that these days with their Tik Toks and their dubstep.
Q. I could probably look up a video on how to make a cryptic treasure map on YouTube.
A. Oh yeah. It’s so useful we can do that now.
Q. What are ways a government can combat inflation?
A. The Fed can raise interest rates. Or it can sneak into people’s houses in the middle of the night, steal all their cash, and throw that in a hole and burn it. Neither of these are popular.
Q. Could the government just pass a giant spending bill but call it the Inflation Reduction Act?
A. Spending is the opposite of what you should do. That will only further anger the gypsies.
Q. But it’s called the Inflation Reduction Act.
A. Oh. I missed that. That should work, then.
Q. Who would win in a fight between inflation and Aquaman?
In a fight between inflation and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up broke and working at Long John Silver, staring at the fried cod and thinking how he once had conversed with it.
Q. How are these “frequently” asked questions?
A. They’re all questions I’ve been asked multiple times.
Q. You’ve repeatedly been asked about a fight between inflation and Aquaman?
A. Yes.
Q. Are you a liar?
A. You see, that’s another very frequent question I get.
There you go. I hope you all understand inflation now. If you have any more questions, we don’t want to hear them because they obviously aren’t frequent questions and who wants weirdo questions like that?
"staring at the fried cod and thinking how he once had conversed with it" LOL
Huh. I was always taught that inflation was an increasingly tenuous rescuing device for the Big Bang theory, and that a lot of lab rats had to be sacrificed with ceremonial knives to create it. Also that politicians were so concerned about the universe expanding too fast that the Inflation Reduction Act was aimed at stopping the exponential expansion-- again with lots of money for lab rats and ceremonial knives. You're so smart, Frank.