Shoplifting FAQ
All you need to know about retail theft
Shoplifting has become a bigger subject lately, with an increase in shoplifting (often because of lack of enforcement) causing stores in some areas to shut down. But there’s a lot to shoplifting people don’t know, so I made the FAQ.
Frequently Asked Questions About Shoplifting
Q. What is shoplifting?
A. Are you serious?
Q. It’s a shoplifting FAQ. Just felt like that should be the first question. Sorry.
A. There probably are a lot of frequently asked questions about shoplifting, but I don’t think that question is ever “What is shoplifting?” or you’d just smack that guy upside his head.
Q. Okay. Let’s try again. How much does shoplifting cost businesses on average?
A. Now, there’s a good question. That’s much more appropriate.
Q. Um… are you going to answer it?
A. Oh, no. I don’t know what the answer is.
Q. Can’t you look it up for your FAQ?
A. Well, that takes time and energy, and it’s not like anyone is paying me to write this.
Q. You have paid subscribers!
A. Okay. Some people are paying me. But most aren’t. Am I supposed to do free work for them? That’s slavery.
Q. No, it isn’t!
A. Well, this isn’t a slavery FAQ.
Q. If you aren’t going to look up useful facts about shoplifting, why even make an FAQ?
A. When I had the idea for a shoplifting FAQ, I was like, “That sounds like content.” And you need content, you know… in this day and age.
Q. It’s not content if you can’t fill it with anything.
A. I was going to make something up, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I guess shoplifting wasn’t as interesting as I thought.
Q. Well, do you have any experience with shoplifting yourself?
A. I never shoplifted — since I’m a good person — but I did work in a supermarket as a teenager.
Q. And you saw people shoplift there?
A. No. I worked in the produce section and tried to stay away from the customers. But I once talked to a guy there who worked in plainclothes looking for shoplifters — like an undercover detective but just for shoplifters.
Q. And what did he tell you about shoplifting?
A. That sometimes he caught people shoplifting.
Q. That’s it? Do you have any more information?
A. He had a mustache.
Q. You’re just wasting everyone’s time, aren’t you?
A. If you enjoyed this at all, it wasn’t a waste.
Q. I didn’t.
A. Still, maybe you learned something from the experience.
Q. I learned not to pay for this drivel.
A. That’s not a thing to learn. It’s not right to get my writing for free. It’s like you’re shoplifting my articles. I should report you!
Q. You put this one out for free, and if you were qualified to write a shoplifting FAQ, you’d know that it wasn’t shoplifting.
A. If you’re such a shoplifting expert, why’d you even need a shoplifting FAQ?
Q. It is a good question why I’m still reading this.
A. Well, now I’m doing your job and asking good questions. I guess we’re even.
Q. …
A. Hello?
Q. …
A. Did you leave?
Q. …
A. This still counts as content!
Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I learned something. I always thought Shoplifting was, like, raising up a store with a bunch of forklifts or something. But I guess it's when you steal stuff for sale, I guess? Shouldn't that be called Productlifting or Merchandiselifting or something?
My younger brother once shoplifted a pencil sharpener that looked like a tarantula. He eventually became a teacher, so that was probably punishment enough…