Steps to Declaring a Proper War
How to officially declare a war as outlined by the Constitution
America sure loves bombing stuff — like how we recently bombed Iran — but we don’t often do full declarations of war. So, if we did want to go to war in an official capacity, what is the process the President must follow?
I outline it here:
Steps to Declaring a Proper War
Determine who you want to be at war with. This step is important as for a proper declaration of war, as you can’t just list “enemy country to be filled in later.” You have to know exactly who you want a war with.
Check that you’re not already in a war with that nation. This one throws off a lot of declarations of war. You’re all ready to begin a great new war, but then you find out you already have an open declaration of war with the country you never closed. Sorry, but you can’t declare double war.
Tell Congress about it. This one is confusing, but apparently the Constitution says they’re supposed to vote on a declaration of war, which means you have to tell them about it. Speak slowly and use small words as they are not very bright.
Have a debate about it. When you want a war, people are going to want to talk about it. Like, do we really need to bomb that country? Can’t we just write them a sternly worded letter instead? Thus, you’ll need to debate Congress and convince them that war is awesome and fun.
Schedule a vote about it. Next, you’ll need to set the day of the vote, when the war will be official. Make sure it’s during the work week so you don’t get there to vote and find the Capitol all locked up for the weekend.
Put on the war hat. Yes, don the ceremonial hat of war. Declaring war is a solemn occasion, and thus a special hat! Careful, it’s pointy!
Summon the prophets of war to overlook the ceremony. Who are these hooded figures who chant in a dead language? No one knows! But it’s not an official declaration of war without them.
Wait for the moon to turn blood red. This one is kind of obvious.
Have the war dancers perform their sacred war dance. Yes, they shall dance under the red moonlight! Thus is the ceremony of war! Yeah, the dance is a little long, and you’ll probably get bored, but hey, fun war is coming soon!
Have the vote and finalize the war. And now for the vote for war. Everyone gets their ballot and one pencil. Do not lose your pencil. And then we read the ballot and tally the result and… What?! They voted against the war!
Do it anyway. You’re president. Just start bombing stuff. No one will stop you.
Oh I totally endorse the war hat! It should be customized for each war with multi-colored tassles and little pins with inspirational pictures (like an angry llama screaming "Llamagedon!!"
Actually - the more I think about it, that could actually work. You can't declare war without the hat.
President: You mean I have to put on that ridiculous thing to send out our troops!?
Aide: Yes sir. And you have to do the little dance.
Great war dance picture but it looks a lot like the ads for WAR! - The Musical. Hope this doesn’t get you in hot water with the Broadway show people. They’re fierce!