The First Thing You Should Buy as a Billionaire
Frank J. Fleming is not a professional financial advisor, but his advice is probably really good because he's very smart
Ever think about what you’d do if you had a billion dollars? I do all the time. I never cared much about being a millionaire, but I always thought being a billionaire would be great.
But let’s say your tech company goes public or people pay the ransom of your supervillain threat and you suddenly have a billion dollars — what is the first thing you buy? Here’s my recommendation:
A hat that says on it “billionaire.”
Because, of course, one of the best parts about being a billionaire is everyone knowing you’re a billionaire. When they know you’re a billionaire, everyone will fear you. They know that if they slight you in any way, you could buy the company they work for and fire them. You can destroy anyone who crosses you. But everyone also knows with all that money, you could tip really big — like ten dollars — so they will both fear and love you. But for that, they have to know that you’re a billionaire.
Hence the hat.
If anyone is not paying you enough attention, just point to that hat so they’ll know what a mistake they’re making. The hat makes a loud statement, and that statement is: “If I cashed in all my assets, do you know how many briefcases full of million dollars I could produce? A thousand! It would take a lot of bank visits, but I could do it!”
Okay, so now you’re a billionaire, and you’ve got the hat that says so. If it’s a really nice one, that was like thirty bucks. So you’ve got $999,999,970 left. So what do you do with that? Here’s my advice: mutual funds.
You don’t want to play the market — that’s a sucker’s game. Instead, get a nice index fund that tracks the S&P 500. The market drops here and there, but over time it only goes up. So if you’re patient, in six or seven years, you will turn that one billion dollars into two billion dollars.
Wow. Two billion dollars. So what’s next? Get a second hat for that second billion? Well, no; as awesome as it would be to wear a second “billionaire” hat, it’s just not possible. You only have one head, and thus you can only wear one hat. And no amount of money is going to change that.
Perhaps there’s a lesson there.
If you learned something from this, consider getting a paid sub to Frank Talk. With about twenty million more paid subs, I can get a hat.
But how will people online know if they can’t see the hat???
"Bulllliamoe" is the name of a university in Louisiana, I suspect. Or it should be.
Anyways, I would counter that yes, in six or seven years you could turn your billion into two billion, but at the current inflation rate-- and let's be honest, it's only gonna go up-- the two billion will only be worth what one billion is now. My advice is to invest it all in My Patriot Supply. Build your house of them; you'll need it when the Soros-backed zombies caused by climate change appear.
*Beastbot received no money from My Patriot Supply for this ad. Though he wished he did.