The Worst Animals

Six animals we should try to make extinct because they're annoying or dumb

When I first heard about the Endangered Species List, I thought, “Wow! That’s a great idea.” But then I discovered it wasn’t a list of animals we want to endanger. That’s what we need a list of because there are many terrible animals out there we should try to get rid of. Anyway, here is a list of what I think are the six worst animals that we might as well try to make extinct.

Mosquitos

You want my blood? I’ll return the favor.

I don’t think this one is too controversial. I mean, maybe there’s some hippie out there who will be like, “Killing all the mosquitos will hurt Gaia!” or some nonsense, but that’s nothing a quick hippie punch won’t quiet. Mosquitos are still a death sentence in much of the world and a huge annoyance in the U.S., so if they want war, it’s war. If we can put a man on the moon, we can murder all the mosquitos. And scatter their corpses on the moon.

Squirrels

He’s up to something.

I’m guessing this one will have more pushback, but I don’t get the point of squirrels. They’re weird and creepy and always seem like they’re up to something. And they’re always watching. I’m sick of it; let’s get rid of them. And I see no consequences to that because there’s no way a bunch of weird spazzes constantly skittering around for no reason are essential to the ecosystem.

Fire Ants

I think they actually like people to step on their ant mounds.

Ants already are terrible when they get all over your food, but these ones also sting you to add injury to insult? Horrible things, and we need to find a way to rid of them permanently. Ironically, fire ants are vulnerable to fire.

Teals

Yep. It’s a slightly smaller duck.

So once I was going to the zoo and wanted to see the monkeys, but where there were supposed to be monkeys, there were birds. And not just any birds, teals. Really, zoo? You thought instead of monkeys, I wanted to see a slightly smaller duck? I mean, if it were like a tiny duck that, fully grown, could fit in your hand, that would be interesting. But a teal is just a little bit smaller. I could get the same effect as looking at a teal by looking at a regular duck and just taking a few steps back. The teal is pointless. Get rid of it and bring back the monkeys.

Snub-Nosed Monkeys

He’ll eat your face and your soul.

But don’t bring this monkey. I mean, look at it; it seems more demon than monkey. I can’t exist on the same planet as this thing. Elon Musk needs to put them all in one of his rockets and return them to the planet from which they came.

Tapir

Pointless.

So it’s like a pig, but it’s kinda got an elongated nose like an elephant… but not long enough to do anything with. It’s a completely pointless animal — just another one we don’t need and is taking up precious space in zoos.

---

So there are all the animals I think are dumb and would go on my Endanger Species List. Which animals don’t you care for?