Trump vs. DeSantis: The Definitive Guide

How do Trump and DeSantis compare to each other?

The Republican presidential primary is underway, and it looks like it’s going to be former President Donald Trump versus Florida Governor Ron DeSantis for the nomination. I guess there are some other people in the race like that one girl and I think maybe Pence is running (though I’m not sure), but really it’s between these two.

So let’s compare them!

Trump Versus DeSantis

Number of Letters

This is an important category, because whoever is President, I’ll have to type his name a lot. That’s why fewer letters are better because that means less time typing and more time playing video games. Going by the names they most commonly use, we have Donald Trump against Ron DeSantis. A simple analysis shows they each have eleven letters in their names, but you’re not getting a simple analysis because I am an expert at politics. That’s why I’ve also noted that DeSantis has two capital letters in his last name, meaning you need an extra keystroke over Trump of hitting the Shift key one more time to type his name.

Winner: Trump

Rhyming Opportunities

I’m a dad. I like dad jokes. So I like dumb rhymes. Donald Trump isn’t great for rhymes. I mean, what are you going to do? Donald Grump? Eh. But I noticed that Ron DeSantis rhymes with Ron DeMantis, and then I went back and forth with Ethan Nicolle doing like a hundred illustrated rhymes and puns on Ron DeSantis’s name and it’s still ongoing. You can find the latest here. It’s a weird thread to follow; you’ll have to keep clicking on the embedded tweet to keep going down that rabbit hole.

Winner: DeSantis

Pie Eating

Who could win in a pie-eating contest? It’s an important question because pie-eating shows resolve and fortitude. And what if beating Putin in a pie-eating contest is the only way to end a nuclear standoff? Or what if, instead, it’s beating Xi Jinping in eating pots of honey? Well, I think Trump has the advantage here. He’s bigger and someone who seems like he would never let a plate defeat him.

Winner: Trump

Crime

One of the most important parts of being a leader is handling crime. And we don’t mean someone who will just pass a crime bill; we want someone willing to dress in a costume and beat up criminals at night while we sleep safely in our beds. DeSantis has shown this willingness time and time again in his persona as the Night Gator, tackling the evils of Florida. Yes, the press is always saying stuff like, “Vigilante DeSantis beats up poor people and minorities without trial,” but we know his heart is in the right place, and that’s all that matters. As for Trump, I heard he recently broke the kneecaps of his pool boy for allegedly stealing one of his lawn chairs. That’s great, but we need someone who fights crime outside his own house.

Winner: DeSantis

Lib Pwnage

This is obviously the most important issue. Now, you’d think Trump would have an advantage here as he causes the libs to break down just by him existing, but right now, DeSantis seems to be leading the charge. The libs are screeching about every new thing he’s doing in Florida as DeSantis has made his agenda nothing but lib pwnage on every front. When DeSantis went after Disney for making Mickey Mouse gay, Disney then had to shut down their Star Wars ride or something and then fire everybody. As for Trump, though, he doesn’t seem as focused on lib pwnage these days. Instead, he’s constantly attacking some guy named “Ron DeSantis” — I assume a different Ron DeSantis than the governor of Florida. While I’m sure that Ron DeSantis must be a huge lib and worth all the effort, we need someone who tries to pwn all the libs and not just one guy.

Winner: DeSantis

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Well, there is my guide. I should just note this is all for entertainment purposes only and you shouldn’t make any voting decisions based on what I’ve said. In fact, if you vote and say I influenced you, I could be arrested.

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