Trump's McDonald's Job Interview Transcript
Trump's job at McDonald's wasn't staged, and we have proof
There has been an accusation that Donald Trump’s working at a McDonald’s was staged — that he wasn’t actually employed by McDonald’s as a fry cook. That’s quite an accusation, as if there is one thing Americans demand from campaign events, it is authenticity — and I don’t know of any other time in history when an event with a presidential candidate was staged.
But luckily, Trump’s job at McDonald’s was authentic. I have the proof here in the form of a transcript from his job interview with the McDonald’s manager, Mr. Mushnik.
TRANSCRIPT OF FRY COOK INTERVIEW OF DONALD J. TRUMP
MUSHNIK: “Thank you for applying to be a fry cook, Mr. Trump. McDonald’s is always looking for good new employees.”
TRUMP: “Then this is your lucky day because I’m a great employee. The best you will ever have. I’m sure an hour into my first shift, you’ll already award employee of the month.”
MUSHNIK: “That’s quite some confidence. So what would you say is your greatest skill?”
TRUMP: “Everything.”
MUSHNIK: “Everything?”
TRUMP: “Yes, I am the greatest at absolutely everything. Your fries will be so beautiful when I cook them. So golden, they’ll lock them in Fort Knox.”
MUSHNIK: “Oh, I hope not; they get soggy pretty quickly. So, let’s look at your previous experience. You ran a steak company… Trump Steaks.”
TRUMP: “Greatest steaks you’ve ever tasted. Cows were lining up for the honor of being our steaks. But we only took the best cows… no hater loser cows. No Rosie O’Donnells.”
MUSHNIK: “So what happened to that business?”
TRUMP: “Um… honestly, I don’t remember. I have a lot going on.”
MUSHNIK: “Yeah, you have six pages to your resume. But it’s good to know you have some food experience.”
TRUMP: “The best. I’ve shouted in Gordon Ramsey’s face calling him an idiot while he’s cooking — that’s the level I am.”
MUSHNIK: “That’s good, because McDonald’s fries have a certain reputation we like to uphold. And do you know what the two keys to being a good fry cook are?”
TRUMP: “Of course I know what the two keys are. But you tell me; I want to see if you know.”
MUSHNIK: “The first key is being a hard worker. Are you a hard worker, Mr. Trump?”
TRUMP: “The hardest. Sitting down for this interview is the first time I’ve sat down in eight months. If you worked any harder than me you would die because I work the absolute hardest a human can work.”
MUSHNIK: “Good to hear. And the second key to being a great McDonald’s fry cook is loving America.”
TRUMP: “You’re not going to find anyone who loves America more than me. It’s been one of my top five countries forever. I’m so good to America. If it were a woman, I would embrace it… but in like a classy way.”
MUSHNIK: “Great, because loving America is important to this job. We once had a fry cook who did not love America. I think her name was Kamala.”
TRUMP: “Sounds made up.”
MUSHNIK: “I assure you she was a real person, but because she didn’t love America, she was such a terrible employee that we blotted out all records of her ever having worked for us.”
TRUMP: “That won’t happen with me. I’ll be so good, you’ll want to tell everyone I work here. You’ll rename McDonald’s to just Donald’s after me. There won’t be any creepy clowns advertising for this place no more. I’m thinking the mascot will be a solid gold lion.”
MUSHNIK: “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Anyway, I think we’ll give you a try here, Mr. Trump. Just one more question: Do you have any other obligations that might distract you from your work here?”
TRUMP: “What do you mean? Did my campaign advisor tell you something?”
MUSHNIK: “Well… the fact that you have a campaign advisor kind of makes me think you have something else going on.”
TRUMP: “No. The only thing in my life is cooking these fries — nothing else. This is not some stunt I’m going to do for like fifteen minutes to get the greatest picture ever of someone working at McDonald’s.”
MUSHNIK: “Sounds good. Let’s get you in a uniform and get you started.”
TRUMP: “Okay, but… um… since it’s my first day, my parents are going to want to follow me around and take pictures.”
MUSHNIK: “I guess that’s fine.”
TRUMP: “And I have a lot of parents… because, you know, families these days.”
So, there you go. Trump was an entirely real McDonald’s employee. Now never again accuse Trump of just doing a staged thing for the enjoyment of the American people.
It's so easy to write Trump. The man is like a parody of himself.
"...because, you know, families these days."
Excellent! The best closer. I'll bet there's only one other person in the country... in the world who could write a better closer. Too bad he's already employed by McDonald's.