Why Are the Left So Violent? An Investigation

We all know that left-wingers are violent psychopaths, but why are they this way?

Democrats are constantly trying to murder Trump these days. That’s not how we do things in civilization. We solve things at the ballot box and not with murder. But if you try to explain that to the left, they will get angry and bite you.

So what makes the left so violent? Why are they always rioting and burning down cities? Why are they always shooting at Trump who just wants to help the country? Why are they biting me when I ask these questions?

It’s a big question, as the left has been known for violence since the first big, popular left-wing movement — the Nazis. So let’s look at the probably causes.

Reefer Madness.

Left-wingers are always smoking the drugs. This can commonly lead to psychosis. It also reduces the ability to reason — and the left are famous for being unable to use reason. When the left are screaming at you, you may think it’s because they don’t like your politics, but it’s actually because they’re on drugs and see spiders everywhere.

Hair Dye.

Lots of people dye their hair, but they dye it normal human colors like yellow or black. Left-wingers dye their hair weird, unnatural colors like green and blue. And to get unnatural colors, you have to use unnatural things like poisonous tree frogs or deadly underwater snails. When they put that into their hair, the poison inevitably seeps into their brain, causing aggression and mean tweets.

Brain Stupidity

A lot of the left are just dumb. Instead of this making them jolly and able to enjoy network TV, they get frustrated at their dumbness and lash out. For instance, if you read a book on basic economics, you’d be reassured by its simple logic, but it makes dumb left-wingers confused and angry. There’s not much of a solution for dumb-fueled anger other than to give them something shiny that makes noise to play with.

Mummy’s Curse

Long ago, the ACLU, in part of an investigation, disturbed an ancient Egyptian tomb. This caused the mummy to arise and curse all left-wingers. Now, because of the curse, left-wingers are basically zombies, walking around attacking everything good (especially America). The only way to stop this is to end the curse — maybe by returning an amulet to the tomb or setting the mummy on fire. I dunno; I’m not a mummologist.

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So those are all the reasons left-wingers are dangerous. If you see anyone with blue or green hair, do not approach. Call the police.